


Bunny the Vampire Layer

by mochibuni, smokingbomber



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon
Genre: Also This Is In Incredibly Poor Taste, Alternate Universe - Vampire, Beryl's Prehensile Hair Is Surprisingly Not Porny, Burlesque Burlesque, Cover Art, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, Farce, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, Judicious Use of Despacito, M/M, Not a Crossover, Over the Top Quebecois Cussing, Poor Life Choices, Porn With Powers, Queer AF (not folk tho), Smash Cuts, So Much Porn You Guys, Stan Lee Cameo, Technically Not a Parody, This Wishes It Were Cinema, Vampire Sex, cheap innuendo, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-07-25 20:34:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16205168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochibuni/pseuds/mochibuni, https://archiveofourown.org/users/smokingbomber/pseuds/smokingbomber
Summary: This is smut. This is comedic smut. This is a bona-fide superlemon. This is Kunzite and Mamoru doing the rumpy-pumpy and Usagi and Minako doing the hanky-panky, and the rest of the story -- because there is an actual plot -- is a vehicle for this unapologetic word pr0n, this unabashed verbal turpitude, this errrrrrotica.It is a crackfic. It is also based REALLY loosely on the original Buffy movie, surprise! It's also set in MONTRÉAL because why not. This is very very very queer, extremely explicit, and pretty damn kinky, andabsolutely inappropriate for underage readers. Haters will be soundly mocked.





	1. Just Another Smutty Sunday

**Author's Note:**

> Incidents of little beryl-bats flying in the middle of the page, except at the very end, are indications that there was intended to be more smut there but for [SPOILER] reasons it was left out.
> 
> ALSO be aware that the timeline in this thing is smash cut flashback cinematic transition trendiness jacked-up hell of wait what just happened, so if you don't understand when the shit anything is happening, think of it as trying to watch Back to the Future Part II *first* and then just sit back and enjoy the vampire-ridden Space Mountain of smut. 
> 
> I regret nothing.

#### YESTERDAY: MAMORU'S PENTHOUSE IN VIEUX MONTRÉAL

"Ooooooh," groaned Mamoru into his pillow as he slowly melted into rivulets of touch empath, which he was positive -- on some constantly-running dissociated level in the back of his mind -- were running down the sides of the bed and onto the floor. He was entirely unsure which was turning him on more: Kei's terribly distracted hand only managing to erratically and irregularly play with his balls (because he felt that good to Kei, he was getting every second's worth of echoed sensation and emotion through the contact), the wildly feral possessiveness Kei kept in check nearly always (but almost never in bed), Kei's other hand holding him down by the back of the neck, or Kei's actual dick in his actual ass, filling him completely-- and then pulling out and thrusting back in relentlessly, harder and harder.

That was all just fine. It was more or less all fuel for the fire to the tanned, white-haired grad student enjoying giving Mamoru everything he wanted just as much as Mamoru enjoyed getting it. He, after all, could also feel everything his lover felt-- the psychometry, which was shorthand for rather a lot of other psychic talents, was projective as much as receptive.

Handy, Kei mused, for bondage. 

Given how worked up Mamoru already was, just Kei's projected mental image of Mamoru *actually* helpless under his hands was all it took to make him come quite forcefully, his muffled curses provoking a laugh from the man atop him.

It was Mamoru's annoyed frustration and ridiculously deep blush that set *Kei* off, because it wasn't just that he could make Mamoru orgasm by thinking dirty thoughts at him, it was that Mamoru was *still turned on*, despite his disgruntlement, and was still thinking about it even whilst plotting revenge for the laughter--

\--and then the warm bright flush of blood beneath Mamoru's skin did something else to Kei as he emptied himself into the younger man.

It made him hungry.

Somehow, the college sophomore misinterpreted it, took it metaphorically. He rolled his head back and craned his neck underneath Kei's hand, the momentary distraction making Kei let up his weight enough that it wasn't an entirely useless gesture. "Well," he started uncertainly, still panting, "it's not like you're not already basically trying to devour me whole, here. I mean unless you just want my dick in your mouth? Because we cou--"

That's as far as he got before Kei moved faster than Mamoru could actually see. In a split second the blue-eyed boy found himself still impaled on Kei's sizeable shaft, but held close against Kei's chest with one implacably strong arm, head yanked back and to one side by a fistful of his hair. Overwhelmed by the psychic impression of an unrecognisable red haze and unslakable thirst coming from the mind of the man he knew so well, Mamoru had only a fraction of a second to panic and start struggling--

\--before sharp teeth sliced through the tender skin of his throat, and then everything was lost in a sea of sense impressions: rosy golden light and warmth, strawberries and honey and lemonade, the sun warming the grass and drying the morning dew in a secluded clearing in a primeval forest, deep dark quiet still caves, and oceans teeming with life.

Mamoru felt almost as if he were one with everything and everything was in the process of pile-driving his prostate. 

As everything went black, that one dissociated little voice at the back of his mind decided that it was, all in all, a good way to die.

~~~~~

* * *

~~~~~

#### YESTERDAY: LONG AFTER VOLLEYBALL PRACTICE AT VANIER COLLEGE

There was a loud whang accompanied by the sound of distressed metal as Minako's deft fingers explored Bunny's slit, thumb rubbing furiously at her clit and mouth working at her neck as she had her best friend pinned to her gym locker.

All motion paused for an uncertain moment, and then Bunny writhed in frustration even as she started giggling helplessly. "Suh-sorry--! Oh god don't stop, Minaaaaa, don't stop!" she half-whimpered, breathless with laughter and apology. The massive dent her elbow had made in the locker next to hers, just as Minako had gotten her to the very edge, was going to have to remain a mystery to the swim team in the morning.

Her fingers absently moving around in Bunny's pussy again, Minako pulled her head back from Bunny's neck, and the sight of the dent was all it took to set her off giggling too. "Crap, if I knew you were going to get wild, I'd've found an abandoned house for us to wreck-- ohh no you don't!"

Bunny suddenly found herself pressed bodily against the lockers, wrists held over her head one-handed while Minako started finger-fucking her in earnest. Minako spoke against her skin, the vibration of it making a distracting hum against Bunny's throat right under her chin. "My beautiful best friend in the whole wide world," she murmured, "stay put for one moment longer--"

Writhing again, Bunny hissed between her teeth and then started panting, and bit back a tiny scream as Minako's now-slick fingers slid out of her pussy and forward-- agonizingly slowly-- toward her clitoris again, then abruptly began circling it urgently. She felt like her skin was going to fly off; it was prickling and flushed and her head swam, and Minako was sucking on her throat again and everything went tense and coiled inside her. A second later and she was thrashing, alternately gasping and holding her breath, as the world whited out behind her eyes like a series of paparazzi flashes--

\--and then there was another obnoxiously loud metallic bang-crunch, and Minako wasn't touching her anymore, and Bunny's clit was still throbbing and her limbs were made of jelly, and she had absolutely no idea what was going on as she slid to the floor bonelessly, hyperventilating.

"--ow," came Minako's voice from the next row over. "This," she said as Bunny watched her pick herself up, holding her head and then cringing away from her own hand as it came away bloody, "is why we need to start your training. If I'm going to survive eating you out ever again-- without you beheading me with your thighs-- you need to fight vampires all night first."

"...what?" asked Bunny blankly, still coming down, staring at Minako glassy-eyed.

"Training! You have to kill vampires, so as soon as I get some ice and you put your pants on, we'll go to the meat department--"

"...what?"

Minako stamped her foot in exasperation, then winced when it jarred her head. "To get steaks! To kill vampires!"

  
~~~~~~~~~~ 

  


* * *

  
~~~~~~~~~~

# BUNNY THE VAMPIRE LAYER

## A Kinky Comedy With Bloodsucking and Bad Jokes

by _Smokingbomber_  
who should really know better by now  
illustrated by _Mochibuni_  
who turned the amp up to 11 on the comedy

* * *

#### Starring:

 **Bunny Tsukino** as Hey Mina Do That Thing With Your Tongue Again  
**Mamoru Chiba** as Dammit Bite Me Harder Kei  
**Kei Tsukino (Kunzite)** as Oops I Seem To Have Become Vampire  
**Minako Aino** as I Totally Know What I'm Talking About  
**Beryl McRáicleach** as Gimme That Tight Mamoru Booty  


#### Co-Starring:

 **Artemis** as She Has No Idea What She's Talking About

#### Guest-starring:

 **Ikuko Tsukino** as Honey Don't Let Your Father See Those Hickeys  
**Kenji Tsukino** as Don't Worry This Is Just Very Sharp Kindling  
**Shingo Tsukino** as You Are All Awful  
**Rei Hino** as No  
**Stan Lee** as I Don't Even Work Here  
**Ami Mizuno** as Hehehheheheheeh

#### Soundtrack:

The Bomboras, The Dead Milkmen, The Skatalites, NOFX, Catch-22, The Clash,  
Social Distortion, Vampire Weekend, Jadzia Trax, Crazy Accordion Trio, The Planet Smashers, La Ruda Salska,  
The Vandals, Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, The Holophonics, Luis Fonsi ft. Daddy Yankee

#### Subtitles:

English from both French and Japanese for comfort of _Target Audience_  



	2. I Am Human And I Need To Be Loved

###  **YESTERDAY: MAMORU'S PENTHOUSE IN VIEUX MONTRÉAL**

Kei didn't come back to himself until well after Mamoru had stopped moving, and all he could do for a moment of shocked horror was stare at the limp body sliding down his front, glassy blue eyes focused sightlessly on nothing. He brought his fingers to his mouth, which still tasted like strawberry lemonade and rose honey and sunlight, and they came away bloody, and he stared at them for a second, too. 

Something in the recesses of his soul stirred him to action, bypassing his still-rebooting mind, and he crouched to place his hands on his lover-- and there, there, even if he couldn't see the rise and fall of the younger man's chest, or hear his heartbeat in the stillness and silence, Kei could feel Mamoru's presence through that contact, however faint. 

Swiftly, Kei moved Mamoru back onto the bed and checked his vitals a little more closely. Pulse fluttery, breath shallow, hands and feet cold, far too pale-- he was in shock, but alive. Alive he could work with. 

###  **THREE WEEKS AGO: MAMORU AND KEI DATE IDEA**

Kei finished putting the groceries away and turned his head to stare at Mamoru, closing the refrigerator slowly. "Seriously? A horror romcom? Really? You really want to watch that?" 

Mamoru leaned against the counter, flipping through an IKEA catalogue, then pulled the lollipop out of his mouth. "We're not going to watch it. We're going to see if we can fuck in the theatre without anyone noticing." 

Kei's face cleared. "Ah," he said, and started taking out saucepans and measuring cups and ingredients. 

###  **THREE WEEKS AGO: VANIER CAFETERIA**

Bunny slouched miserably in her hard orange plastic cafeteria chair, making the horrible sound anyone with a straw in a plastic throwaway cold-drink cup lid can make with enough inherent obnoxiousness. She'd been suspiciously silent for half an hour, and her fries had gotten cold, and both of these things were giant red flags. 

"All right," said Minako, leaning forward and crossing her arms on the formica tabletop, where they'd stick if she wasn't careful. The air conditioning made it roughly eighty degrees Fahrenheit inside, instead of the ninety-five it was out. "Spill." A beat, and then a hurried, "Not the drink, I mean, what's eating you." 

"Who says anything's wrong?" Bunny started, tone ridiculously salty. She immediately looked sorry, and glanced guiltily up at her best friend in the whole world, one finger lifted to chew on the nail. "I mean there is but it's nothing, it's just me being dumb." 

"Feelings aren't dumb," Minako retorted, stretching a hand across the table-- as her arm freed itself from the plastic with a nigh-inaudible schlrp-- and placing it over Bunny's. "And it looks like yours were underneath a bridge that Bruce Willis drove a truck through a helicopter over. Who do I gotta beat up?" 

"Nobody," her friend said morosely, eyes falling to Minako's hand over hers. "It's just-- you remember those rumors freshman year? About Mamoru Chiba?" 

"Ugh, still? You're still stanning that guy? I always said he wasn't good enough for you, dammit." 

"*Minako please.* Valedictorian? Track star? Prom king? Genuinely decent guy? Not good enough for *me*? Who spilled freaking sangria all over his white tie and tails at his prom? ...and everyone figured he was gay?" 

Minako watched Bunny's face, and her eyes suddenly widened. "You mean he *is* gay? How did you find out? Didn't he go away to some ivy league bullshit in the States?" 

Bunny slipped her hand out from under Minako's and pulled it back. "No-- no, he's at McGill." Then she covered her face with both hands and mumbled something into them. 

"He hates your mother?" Minako asked, leaning forward further and squinting as if that could help her hear better. Bunny dropped her hands to the table and gave the other blonde the biggest face of woe in the history of tragedy. 

"He's *dating* my *brother*!" 

###  **THREE YEARS AGO: MAMORU'S PROM**

His tuxedo shirt was literally starched, and Mamoru honestly couldn't think of a single thing that could have been a more aggravating cherry on the night's cake of uncomfortable. He had no idea why prom had to be such a huge *thing*, or why he couldn't leave yet-- 

\--oh right, because he had a date. A date he'd been tricked into, and was too gracious to back out of. He gave the girl next to him a smile that was as kind as he could make it, and adjusted his white gloves. "I'm going to go get some punch," he told her, "do you want some?" 

"No thank you, I'll just taste yours," the redhead answered coyly, her luxurious wavy tresses flowing with her every motion, clearly using something that had to be magic because it couldn't possibly be physics. 

"...right," said Mamoru with a sharp exhalation, and he managed to avoid closing his eyes and imploring the heavens to strike him dead until after he was turned away from her. 

That meant his eyes were closed when someone else who wasn't looking walked straight into him. It's hard to say whether it was the impact or the distinctly unladylike yowl of dismay that made his eyes fly open first, but they flew open even as he instinctively reached to grab whoever he knocked into so they wouldn't fall-- and he whiffed the move because she was so damn short. 

A tiny girl-- Mamoru was dazed because nothing made sense; she didn't go here, did she? No, she did (THAT HAIR), but she wasn't in eleventh grade-- would a seventeen- or eighteen-year-old have taken a freshman to prom? No-- that wasn't a prom dress, it was a waitstaff uniform-- wait, she was old enough to have a job? Was her hair *sanitary* for this kind of job? No hair net in the world could possibly hold six feet of hair-- my god had she stitched hairnets together?!-- and why in the hell did her face look familiar when he knew he'd only seen her HAIR? 

She stopped looking down at the spilled drinks she'd been carrying and at her uniform to see if any'd got on it, and looked up in alarm, and the alarm turned swiftly to mortification. She untucked her shirt immediately and flew to Mamoru and started using the hem of it to reach up and dab at his shirt, which meant the whole prom was getting a good look at her honestly cute bra with the ducklings embroidered on it, and Mamoru could feel his face turning about as red as a tomato. "That's not necessary!" he sputtered, looking down and seeing enough red on his shirt from the punch to give the impression that he'd been shot in an artery. "Oh damn." 

"Bunny," came a tired voice from behind Mamoru, and he whirled, and was suddenly absolutely dazzled by Tall. And White Hair. And TALL. Taller than himself. And way too hot. And looking so long-suffering, my god, that was a face that begged to be trolled. And-- a face that looked familar, somehow, in a way that a new face hadn't looked in a very long time, except for Hair Girl-- 

Behind him, Bunny was crying, loudly, and everyone was staring. "Kei, it was an accident!" She hiccupped on a sob, and Mamoru was completely and utterly overwhelmed. He was not equipped to cope with this, especially when he was already maxed out on social for the entire week. 

"It's okay," Mamoru heard himself saying, moving on autopilot to pull out his handkerchief and hand it to the girl, who was now using the hem of her shirt to wipe her face, "Here-- oh my god put your shirt down-- shhh, it's okay, I wasn't looking where I was going..." 

Bunny grabbed the handkerchief and blew her nose noisily into it, and then Kei was gently steering her kitchenwards. "Go get the mop bucket and broom, make sure it's one that has a caution sign hanging off of it." His tone was quietly firm, and the girl snifflingly took his directions, and then Kei turned to Mamoru and looked him up and down. "I'll get you some club soda and meet you in the restroom. Rinse with cold water until I get there." 

Seeing his date-- god, what was her name again? Beryl. Seeing his date storming over with a face of outraged indignation, Mamoru gratefully took the out. "Okay. If she yells at you, don't believe anything she says; if she threatens you or Bunny, tell a chaperone that Chiba said it was okay to get her kicked out and call the cops if the threats are violent--" 

Kei's eyes widened fractionally, but he nodded, a faint smile of amusement tugging at one corner of his mouth, and Mamoru hightailed it to the men's room, still trying to figure out where-- and when-- he'd seen Kei before... 

###  **THREE WEEKS AGO: VANIER CAFETERIA**

"He's *what*?" squawked Minako, slapping her palms down loudly on the tabletop, looking completely and utterly dismayed. "He can't be! Your brother's straight! I'm going to marry him! I told him when I was seven!" 

####  **_SMASH CUT TO ONE YEAR AGO: VANIER, PUBLIC SPEAKING CLASS_ **

Minako sat in class, chewing on the end of her pen and pretending to pay attention to the first of the brown bag speeches. The kid was blathering on about sports and practically giving the trophy he'd brought in a handjob, and just as he finished and people started applauding before doing the crit-compliment-crit sandwiches, the door opened. 

Minako glanced at the clock. Twenty minutes after the start of class, and there was Bunny with a dreamy look on her face, carrying a pumpkin spice latte. She scowled and slouched further into her seat, then participated loudly while Bunny took her own seat and set a brown bag on the table in front of her. 

Then it was Minako's turn, and she got up, pointedly not looking at her best friend. She put her own bag on the podium and smiled winningly at the class, then reached in and took out an eleven-year-old Ring Pop, ostensibly blue raspberry. "Hi! I'm here today to tell you about how I got betrothed to my fiance, Kei Tsukino. I know this probably looks like a joke to you, but no lie, it's the first ring he proposed to me with, when I was a little kid. 

"He'd gotten home from Latin Club and the surprise birthday party my friend Bunny's parents threw for me at their house was in full swing, a bunch of six and seven year olds in Halloween costumes, screaming and shoving each other around in the twilight, waving glowsticks around and sticking the necklace ones up their noses, and he looms there in the doorway to the backyard and looks right at me, and SMILES. And listen, Kei doesn't smile much. He never really has? Super serious and stoic and dreamy... but he smiled *at me* and I was in heaven, I'd had a babycrush on him since we moved into the neighborhood. So I shoved Melvin out of the way-- he was a kid in our class at school-- and ran up to him and gave him a huge hug, then looked up at him -- he's like twenty feet tall? -- and I said to him, I told him, 'Kei, when I grow up, I'm going to marry you. So you better start saving for the ring now!'" 

Minako laughed and held up the ring pop, waving it around cheerfully. "He was totally solemn as he listened to me, and then he reached in his pocket and took *this* out, and he got down on one knee in front of my tiny adorable self and presented it to me. 'Fortunately,' he says to me, legit grave and ceremonial and whatever, 'I'm prepared, O tiny adorable goddess of beauty, fountain of love. Here is your ring.' Bunny here can vouch, she was *there*, it *happened*. I mean immediately afterwards she ran over and demanded a ring too because here's the thing, they're lollipops but ring-shaped and they have a legit ring base and everything, so of course she wanted the candy without having any idea of how important the moment was. And I mean of course Kei had one for her too because she's his baby sister, but *mine* was a *betrothal*." 

Bunny glanced up when Minako paused and looked at her, but she wasn't really seeing anything. She was still smiling dreamily. "Yeah..." she said. 

"And then she fell flat on her face and got her cake smeared all down her weirdo cockroach costume..." Minako prompted, glaring fiercely as the class -- who hadn't been sure the story was for real and whether or not to laugh -- sputtered, and then started stifling gigglefits everywhere. Even sportsball kid. 

"Yup," Bunny said, smiling into space. 

Minako stamped her foot, then turned to the rest of the class and smiled charmingly. "Anyway, he's awesome, he's working on his doctorate in ancient history. It's fine though, I'll support us both when I graduate from Concordia as a vlogger with over a million subscribers and a super successful alt-pop band." 

The applause was deafening in the small space, and Minako soaked it in even if Bunny was clapping super absently, probably just because everyone else was. She weathered her crit-compliment-crit sandwich with grace and aplomb, then traipsed back to her seat and shoved Bunny's arm. "Way to support me, goddddduh," she muttered, leaning in. She smirked when the professor called Bunny up next. 

She looked worried when Bunny didn't respond. 

When the professor called her again, Bunny sighed out, blushing, "God yes, yes the whole thing-- please, I can handle it, you're so sweet but I'll be fine--" 

Minako stared, then shook Bunny by the shoulder. "It's YOUR TURN," she hissed as everyone around them was cracking up. 

"Wha-- oh!" startled Bunny, eyes wide, face beet red. "Shit-- thanks-- sorry--" she stammered as she stumbled up out of her chair and clutched her wrinkled brown bag to her chest. Partway there she started to double back for her PSL and Minako shook her head exaggeratedly and pointed at the podium. 

A sheepish moment later, and Bunny pulled a track jersey out of the brown bag, and Minako's mouth opened and shut when Bunny let it unroll in front of everyone, proudly displaying the number 3 and the name CHIBA over it in bold block letters. 

She seethed for Bunny's whole bubbly speech about the merits of Saint Mamoru, then seethed through the rest of the class, then seethed some more on the way to the parking lot. 

But at least she was almost old enough for Kei to give her a proper ring. Any minute! Maybe it'd be on her birthday again, which meant she only had a couple of months to wait--! It'd be all right. Even if Bunny was obsessed with Probably Gay Impossibly Popular Insanely Smart Athletic Too Nice To Be Anything But A Pod Person Boy, Minako would live happily ever after with Second Best And Properly Tall Brother Of Her One True Love. 

Minako sighed and got in her car. 

####  _END SMASH CUT_

"I always thought he was ace, but apparently he's gay," Bunny mumbled, starting to sniffle. Then she rallied and started getting louder, promising to start wailing literally any second. "Or maybe bi! But that's not the point!" she wailed, right on time. "The point is he's dating literally the one guy I ever had a serious thing for!" 

"Excuse me, I think that's not the only point here!" Minako retorted, her face flushed as she sat up and flapped her hands around. "I think the bigger point is that both of the stupid targets of our pure and unholy love have taken themselves off the market *with each other*! There's only ONE CURE for this!" 

"--there's a cure?" Bunny asked, hiccupping again and swallowing a sob, looking back up at Minako with a look so wretchedly hopeful that it was all Minako could do not to scoop her up right then and there and ride off into the sunset with her. With Mamoru out of the way, she wouldn't have to resort to trying to chase her backup plan-- Bunny's big brother, the goddamn grad student who led her on most of her life by letting her hang off him and humoring her declarations. 

She could make a move on her beautiful best friend in the whole wide world. There was only one guy she'd ever fancied, after all, and she KNEW how Bunny had been watching that transfer student, Rei, all last year. 

"A girls' night out!" she declared, pounding a fist on the table and jumping to her feet. "With gelato first, then a movie in the theater in Old Town that serves drinks!" 

Bunny looked startled for a second, and then a smile blossomed across her tear streaked face and she jumped up, too, and practically vaulted the table to tacklehug Minako. "THAT SOUNDS PERFECT!" she shrieked, and Minako was laughing in delight because everything might turn out all right-- better than all right!-- after all. 


	3. A Pack of Party Poppers That Pop in the Night

###  **THREE YEARS AGO, MAMORU'S PROM**

Mamoru had his tuxedo jacket and gloves off, laid across the top of the hand towel dispenser, and was in the process of untying his white tie -- spattered red with punch -- when Kei came into the restroom. Their eyes met in the mirror above the row of sinks, and Mamoru gave Kei a very small smile, hands stilling. 

Kei didn't smile back, but the look behind his eyes made Mamoru's face flush; he returned his attention to untying his tie, fumbling it repeatedly as Kei took an 'out of order' sign out of the storage closet and opened the door to hang it up, then locked the door once it was closed. 

"Let me help you with that," he said in a low voice, coming up behind the younger man and reaching up under Mamoru's arms and around his front to untie the tie. He was very close; he was very warm and Mamoru wanted him closer, but couldn't make himself say anything. 

Deft fingers undid the tie and then slid it off, silk slithering around the starched collar, and Kei leaned in closer to murmur next to Mamoru's ear, "I *did* bring club soda. We wouldn't want the prom king having pictures with red on his shirt, would we?" 

Mouth dry, Mamoru closed his eyes and swallowed, then answered in a half-whisper, "Pictures were before. But there's-- I think I'm supposed to have another picture with the queen--" 

His breath caught as Kei kissed the side of his neck, just under his ear, and Kei froze, and Mamoru's heart was beating too fast, and he was terrified: 

* _He's going to freak out. He's going to think I'm an X-file. He's going to hate me, he's going to leave, he's going to tell, he's going to STOP and I hope he doesn't, oh oh please don't leave, don't stop, don't leave, you're so familiar, like I knew you a long time ago, like we've done this before--_ * 

Kei could *feel* his terror, his heart fluttering in his throat, his anxiety, and he could understand the fear as if it were his own. And he could also feel Mamoru's arousal, his desire, and his desperation which had nothing and everything to do with either. A virgin-- but what's more, touch starved and touch averse. *This* would happen if he touched anyone, Kei understood. So he'd never been kissed, either. And Kei's memory flipped back more than a decade to a night he was doing a ride-along with EMTs as a middle-schooler, and was small enough to get an injured boy out of a crashed and sinking car before it filled with water-- 

\--and Mamoru's heart latched on to that. "Please," was all he could get out, out loud, and Kei took it and dove in, like he dove into the freezing water that day, and his strong, sure hands slid down Mamoru's front and undid his fly as he nuzzled the boy's neck. 

"Take your shirt off," Kei instructed against Mamoru's skin as he unclipped suspenders and untucked shirttails, and Mamoru's shaky hands undid buttons, still fumbling, and Kei sounded amused in that sinfully low voice of his: "and relax. I'm not going anywhere. I wondered what happened to you." 

"I felt safe," Mamoru said, breathless, and his voice hitched as he repeated himself, "I felt safe. I don't remember who I was before that, I never remembered. They said it was when I hit my head. But you were there and I felt safe--ohhh..." 

Kei's hand was in his pants, and had just then slid beneath the waistband of his boxers and started to explore. Mamoru sank back against him. "And you're still safe with me. I'm only going as far as you want me to." 

"Everyone else-- everyone else gets to do it at prom--" Mamoru stammered with an awkward laugh. 

That's when Kei realized that he was getting an echo of every sensation of Mamoru's-- which was *incredibly* handy, because it meant he could tell exactly what worked and what didn't, immediately-- and also incredibly sexy, because that echo prompted similar reactions in him on top of the ones he was having anyway, with this beautiful melting ingenue in his hands. 

It wasn't long at all before Kei had Mamoru's shirt in a plugged sink soaking in club soda, and also had Mamoru bent over the counter with his own fist jammed halfway into his mouth to stifle the moans and gasping, and one of Kei's hands holding Mamoru's hip steady with bruising force and his other hand pulling Mamoru's head back by the hair-- and the more he pushed, the more Mamoru wanted, and the more Mamoru wanted, the more Kei wanted to push, and it was remarkably easy to lose track of time. 

###  **THREE WEEKS AND A DAY AGO: MAMORU'S PENTHOUSE IN VIEUX MONTRÉAL**

"God," Mamoru complained as he sat back, letting Kei's dick slide out of his mouth and then reaching up to hold it and glare up and up at Kei's amused face. "Not only why are you talking about girls, why are you talking about *Beryl?* She basically tricked me into going to prom with her, goddammit, I don't care if you see her on the street sometimes, she's batshit crazy and I'm super glad I never have to interact with her again--" 

"--on the street *in front of our apartment*, last *night*," Kei said, sitting down on the bed and reaching to cup Mamoru's face in one hand. "She *is* crazy, and she's stalking you, so I really think it would behoove you to take note and be at least *mildly* concerned." 

Mamoru glared harder and let go of Kei's dick, then put his hands on Kei's knees and hoisted himself up, this time looming over the white-haired grad student. He scowled. "Fine. I'm at least mildly concerned. I'll get a restraining order or something. The point remains you were talking about Beryl while I was giving you head and trying to get you to fuck my face, so clearly I need to distract you harder." 

As Kei's eyebrows went up, Mamoru took hold of Kei's shoulders and pushed him down on the bed, then climbed over him, propping himself up on one arm to one side of Kei's head. His other hand splayed across Kei's chest, and then he dragged one finger down the center of it, tip of it glowing a pale and beautiful gold. "It's my turn," he said in a low voice, leaning down to kiss Kei lightly, then move on to kissing his jaw, then the underside of his jaw, even as that trailing finger lost its glow and then traced down Kei's shaft. 

Kei could feel Mamoru's irritation, and the unthinking resolve that went with it-- resolve to make Kei forget about Beryl, about his worries, about anything but what Mamoru was doing to him. He couldn't help it, he was amused. Mamoru had never actually done this before, and it was cute as hell. 

Mamoru's irritation flared bright, and his hand squeezed, and Kei gasped, and when his mouth opened, Mamoru was already rising to kneel and put his other hand on Kei's face. His fingers gripped the underside of Kei's jaw and his thumb slipped into Kei's mouth, and his eyes were narrowed. "Suck," he demanded, letting go of Kei's dick again in order to rake fingernails down the chest he'd so recently been caressing. 

Kei, once more, couldn't help it: this imperious Mamoru was new, and absolutely adorable, and to be humored at all costs. It was also apparently really bizarrely fulfilling, somehow, to irritate him in a way that made him annoyed enough to *do* something-- so Kei let a laugh bubble up from deep in his chest, and then obligingly started mouthing Mamoru's thumb, running his tongue around the pad and the end of it in small circles. 

And then Mamoru didn't just rake his fingernails, he scraped them down Kei's chest hard enough to draw blood, and Kei's mouth opened again, and abruptly Mamoru was leaning down to capture it with his own and kiss Kei roughly, demandingly. The sensation of golden power and soothing warmth took the pain away from Kei's skin and connected him even more deeply with Mamoru's senses, and right now those senses were singing with annoyance, triumph, and dire mischief. 

Mamoru bit Kei's lip, hard, and then healed it with his tongue, and Kei's breath was ragged by the time Mamoru got up off him and rolled him over. The loss of skin contact made Kei nearly react, nearly curse; the loss of what was going on in Mamoru's head, the loss of the knowledge beyond the shadow of a doubt that Mamoru's too-wide, too-heavy attention was concentrated solely on him was enough to make him bite his own lip to keep himself from protesting. 

"Don't look. Stay where you are," Mamoru said, voice firm, but with an edge of something else to it. Not something angry-- maybe excited. Maybe mean. The concept of Mamoru being mean started making lying down with his front pressed to the mattress somewhat uncomfortable. 

"Yes, your Highness," Kei managed to get out, semi-sarcastically. It tried. It tried hard to be sarcastic. 

Suddenly there was something cold against his asshole, and Kei flinched, then bit back a question. He wasn't going to mock his lover, and he wasn't going to give him his curiosity. But there was no contact high in it, there was no sensation of Mamoru's empathy, no *connection*, so he couldn't help but wonder what on Earth Mamoru was applying lube with. Instead he crossed his arms under his chin and waited, giving all appearances of being patient and unmoved. 

Then he felt something begin to enter, something warm and giving, working around the edges of his asshole carefully, and he gave up and craned his neck to look. 

*That bastard was wearing surgical gloves.* 

###  **THREE YEARS AGO: MAMORU'S PROM**

Mamoru was still blushing as he preceded Kei out of the restroom, and he adjusted his white tie over his damp but remarkably un-stained tuxedo shirt while Kei removed the out-of-order sign from the door. Then he looked up and froze: Beryl was storming towards them, immense red hair streaming behind her and practically moving on its own, glittery purple tiara possessed of an ominous light-- oh, no, that was just a reflection off the stage lights. Either way, she looked hella scary and Mamoru was afraid she was going to slap him. 

Not because of the slap, but because of the skin contact. He did not want any part of the chaos energy that that girl obviously embodied getting all up in his aura's grille. 

"How DARE you!" she screeched, the end of it swiftly ascending from husky alto to screamy echolocation levels. "I SPENT TWO THOUSAND U.S. DOLLARS ON THIS DRESS AND YOU'RE--" 

"--not renting this tuxedo, either," Kei said smoothly and firmly, stepping up beside Mamoru and adjusting his waiter's gloves. "You should be pleased, miss; the pictures won't have any unsightly red splatters down the front of your date. No one will be able to accuse you of axe murdering him and posing him on a stand for the photographs." 

Mamoru almost choked, and tried to cover it with a cough, but it sounded far too much like a poorly disguised laugh for Beryl to buy it. She practically went apoplectic with rage and she swarmed forward to grab Mamoru's shirt front, somehow taller than she was before she got mad, and yanked him down so she could hiss in his face, "How dare you laugh at me. *He* is a *fool*, he is the *help*, and will be punished severely for his grave misfeasance, but better can hardly be expected of someone like *him*. *You* are *royalty* and it ill becomes you to undermine me in this fashion!" 

Royalty? She was really taking this prom king thing seriously. Not to mention talking like some shitty medievalish romance novel? Staring down at Beryl in disbelief, Mamoru reached up to gently pry her hands off his shirt, then had to be less gentle because her grip was like steel. "Beryl, it was a difficult stain. What do you think we were *doing* in there?" 

Her eyes gleamed with affront and malice. "For forty five minutes? Certainly very little to do with *club soda*." 

A small crowd was gathering around them, and Beryl seemed to recognise all at once that she was the center of attention. She let go of Mamoru's shirt and lifted her hands in the air with graceful showmanship, then declaimed, "Your precious *prom king* is GAY!" 

Mamoru just looked bewildered, and Kei was frozen in place, and then a frisson swept the crowd and someone laughed. Someone else called out, "Just because he doesn't want to fuck you doesn't mean he's gay, _Beryl."_

As Beryl was filling her lungs for another shriek, someone else said, "Hey if it's true, Chiba, welcome to the rainbow parade! You just made half the school think maybe we've got a chance after all!" 

Then another voice called out, "Can we go for bi, maybe? Do I hear pan?" 

Beryl bellowed, "YOU'LL ALL PAY!" just as Mamoru was turning beet red and Kei was putting a hand at the small of his back, and then the lights went out and the sound system went dead. 

There was a moment of deafening silence, and then the tremendous noise of wings filling the air, thousands of them fluttering and flapping; someone shrieked, and someone else screamed, and then everyone started yelling and the crowd started to move, started to panic-- 

\--and then the lights came back on and there was nothing *there*, and Beryl was gone. 

"...awkward," said Mamoru with an equally awkward little laugh. 

"Worrisome," said Kei, frowning and looking up and around for any sign of flying things or Beryl. Finding none, he steered Mamoru through the dispersing crowd as the music started up again. 

"She's just a little dramatic," Mamoru said with uncertainty. 

"Sure," said Kei, and then there was Bunny, flattened in a corner of the room and scrubbing at her red-rimmed eyes. She looked up and spotted them and then ran forward and glomped both of them at once. 

"There were BATS!" she wailed. 

Mamoru really wanted to go home. 


	4. The Dark Of The Matinée

###  **THREE WEEKS AGO: THEATRE: GIRLS' NIGHT OUT IN OLD TOWN**

"I'm still hungry," giggled Bunny, clinging to Minako's arm with one hand, other hand holding a cocktail very carefully, as the two girls walked down the worn aisle to more or less the middle of the theatre, perusing the mostly-empty seats for the Best Possible Ones. The Best Possible Ones were, of course, already taken, but the Second Best were right there, and Minako gently steered Bunny in and got her situated, trying not to snort laughing. 

"You ate a whole pint and a quarter of mine because I made the mistake of slowing down!" Minako stated with resolve that threatened to crumble into a gigglefit of her own. They hadn't even started drinking yet. "Hey, let's finish the drinks before the movie starts. Less likely to spill in the dark, right?" 

"Ooh, good ideeeea," Bunny murmured as she slurmed closer, snuggling into Minako's side -- the bow-bedecked blonde had thoughtfully (with intent) already pushed up the armrest dividing the seats -- and chugging her long island iced tea. 

Minako's eyes widened in alarm. On the one hand, this was kind of good? Yes? On the other hand, it was kind of terrible, because given Bunny's tolerance and her usual habits when drunk, they might actually get *kicked out* of the theatre before the movie even started. "That," she said weakly, "isn't really a chugging drink? If you're going to barf, please try to aim it someplace other than my purse. I had to throw the last one out." 

"Don't be silly I won't throw up," Bunny said basically directly into Minako's ear, practically purring, chin resting on her best friend's shoulder. Minako figured she'd just guaranteed yarking later. Maybe she could point it at someone she didn't like. There was bound to be someone here she didn't like. There always was. 

But! Bunny was purring in her ear (!) and already getting handsy (!!) and Minako wasn't about to look at gift horses from the South, and besides, the previews were starting and Mina shoved all thought of American horses and people she didn't like right out of her head. 

...ten minutes later, the boys were on their way in. 

"See?" whispered Mamoru, gripping Kei's arm like a vise, excitement practically bubbling through Kei's shirtsleeve into the taller man. "Literally everyone here is making out, no one will even notice~!" 

Kei shushed him, since the movie was starting, and started looking for empty seats. There were some way up front, and way in back, and he was starting to herd Mamoru over in the direction of the ones in back when Mamoru spotted a telltale set of odangos and a telltale red bow in the center of the theater, and they were-- wow, they were already at second base. And if Kei saw his kid sister making out with literally anyone in the theatre it'd all be over. 

This time it was Mamoru's turn to herd Kei, and he distracted him very effectively by sliding a hand down his front and lightly grabbing his junk. "Found the perfect seats," he whispered, satan in his voice and delight glimmering off his dark blue eyes in the form of screen reflection. 

"O-oh?" whispered Kei, strangled, grabbing Mamoru's wrist. Mamoru tugged him right past the girls and into the row in front of them, looking so aggressively pretty that Kei literally couldn't look anywhere else. And then he sat Kei down and pushed up the dividing armrest, hand firmly on Kei's crotch as he took his own seat, and immediately went to work distracting Kei further. Belt buckle, undone. Mouth, definitely on mouth, then on neck. Hand, decidedly *inside* Kei's jeans, fingers deftly finding their way through the fly of Kei's underwear and pulling out the warm, hardening length therein. 

Something growled on the screen and he paid it literally no attention. 

Neither did Kei, because that's when Mamoru's teeth grazed the sensitive skin of his neck, then bit lightly. 

Behind them, Minako could in no way mistake Bunny's older brother or his date, and the assholes were tall enough to block their short-girls' view of the screen if they'd been watching at all. Those fucking dickbags! This was their movie! That goddamn motherfucking Mamoru Chiba, with his hands all up on her Kei-- but wait no Bunny was writhing under her ministrations and that was much better. Then she froze in alarm with her hand up Bunny's skirt as Mamoru Very Clearly Bit Kei, and Kei's head tipped back and to the side to give him better access-- 

####  _SMASH CUT TO FIVE YEARS AGO, AN APARTMENT IN NDG:_

Thirteen-year-old Minako Aino settled in with a really gooshy romance manga, curled up in the corner of the couch at her uncle's place. It was a lovely early spring day, so all the windows were open and she could see the park, and her parents were going to be gone the entire weekend, so she could definitely leave the book report to late Sunday night and just enjoy the pretty boys and girls kissing. Maybe later she'd take the manga outside with a soda-pop and read in the park. 

One of the girls in the first story looked like her best friend Bunny, though, and she was kissing a boy, so Minako skipped that one, shoving a doughnut in her mouth. 

"Mina?" came her uncle's voice from the doorway. 

"Mmph?" answered Minako, craning her neck to look over her shoulder at him. He didn't look AT ALL like Bunny's big brother. Bunny's big brother was hot. Uncle Artemis just had long white hair. He was way too tweedy to even remotely look as hot as Kei Tsukino. Nerd uncle, she thought affectionately, then registered what he was wearing. 

Fencing gear. 

She blinked at him. 

"I'm afraid we have to start training," he said apologetically. "I'm very sorry we're months behind. We should have started on your birthday, but your parents have been trying to keep you away from all of this." 

"...fencing?" Minako asked blankly, a piece of doughnut falling out of her mouth, which she caught-- unfortunately-- with her manga. She looked down at it in dismay and ate it off the page, then brushed the crumbs off hurriedly and started inspecting the paper for grease stains. 

"No. Fighting vampires. And eventually getting you ready to train your own destined superhero partner." A beat. "Minako, are you listening?" 

"Fencing as superhero vampires, check," she vagued, swallowing the rest of the doughnut and closing her manga. 

Artemis sighed. 

####  _END SMASH CUT_

Bunny whimpered in the back of her throat and grabbed Minako's wrist, insistently, then glanced to see what the hell could be on the screen that could possibly have taken her attention away. OH. She her brother making out with her longtime crush and froze, too. She stared, for a second, in horrified fascination-- and then Minako's hand started moving again and they very much got back to the serious business of heavy-duty making out in the theatre. 

Someone on the screen screamed, and Minako thought absently that the Dolby here was amazeballs-- but then someone else screamed, and it was a couple of rows behind them, and then more people started screaming and all Minako could think was '*seriously? NOW?*'

Then she remembered Mamoru biting Kei, and abruptly she was on fire with righteous fury. "Bunny! Get down!" she screamed, taking off her belt. 

Bunny, already cowering between the rows of seats, looked up at Minako, aghast. "Is this really the time?" she wailed. "Not that you getting undressed in the middle of screaming is any--" 

She cut herself off when she saw the belt begin to glow, and watched with very, very wide eyes as Mina started slinging it overhead like a lasso. 

Then she remembered her brother and her crush, and immediately popped her head back over the top of the seats-- just in time to see someone dressed like dracula rearing up, and a scary big-haired demon-looking lady with spiky elbows on top of Kei, who was limp in his chair. Blood spattered her face and she filled her lungs and *SCREAMED*. 

Every single piece of glass in the theatre shattered, and half the people dropped, holding their ears, and Minako grabbed Bunny in a sort of askew hold that was draggable and had one hand clapped over her mouth, and whipped anything that was flying with the chain-belt. "LOVE FUCK CHAIN!" she yelled, over and over, "LOVE FUCK CHAIN!" 

But Bunny wasn't having it. All of a sudden Minako couldn't drag her anymore, and Bunny threw off the awkward askew-hold, glowing herself; there was a flash of blinding-in-the-dark-theatre light and she screamed out, "NIISAN! MAMO-CHAN! I'M COMING!" 

"I DID THAT!" Minako found it absolutely necessary to scream on the heels of that declaration, even as Bunny was suddenly dressed in flying ribbons and then a really short skirt and bellyshirt with a lacy sailor theme, and fuck-me boots and opera gloves and a butt-bow and tiara and what even-- oh. OH. *OH*. This was that awakening. Right. Destiny. Wow. Who knew destiny would come in the form of her now-girlfriend wearing a microskirt and a tiara? 

She watched in shock as Bunny literally ripped an entire row of theatre seats off their mooring and lifted it in the air, then blinked away another blinding light that came out of the row of seats in front of them; she smelled char in the air, and saw bats fluttering up away from the seats, and started whipping them out of the air with her belt-chain as she ignored the warmth curling in her lower abdomen. Bunny was *amazing*. She hadn't even had any training. She was *AMAZING*. She was literally batting vampires away into the walls. 

In a half second, she'd taken her lipstick out of her bra and uncapped it one-handed, and like a spring snake in a Pringles can, the lipstick uncollapsed into an enormous glowing sword. She used it to slice her way through the vampires that'd seeded themselves throughout the audience, and only had a half-second's worth of regret when she found herself killing a prettyboy she'd gone on a date with a month ago. 

Minako could still, over all the screams and riotous panic, hear Bunny sobbing 'Kei! Kei! Mamo-chan! Where are you?!' and she could hear sirens outside the theatre, too, so she figured it was time to get the hell out, and went to drag Bunny away again. Grabbing the superhero vampire killer's arm, she hissed, "I saw them go out the side! Let's go that way! I think it leads to the roof! The cops are here!" 

Only the lie could get her best friend moving, so Minako didn't feel bad about it. Yet. And amazingly, Bunny still had the presence of mind to pull the fire alarm and get the rest of everyone else out of the theatre's emergency exits. 

Minako was going to feel a lot worse about telling Bunny that her longtime crush was Dracula. 

Maybe she could put it off a while. Mmmmaybe she could distract her on the roof. A lot. Before taking her home. 

###  **YESTERDAY: MAMORU'S PENTHOUSE**

Alive, he could work with. Blanket, elevation, and-- something else, he couldn't remember what, but something for shock-- and Kei could absolutely call emergency services, and he fumbled his phone while pulling on his pants and looking for Mamoru's, and the phone fell into the heap of Mamoru's shirt at the end of the bed, and he tripped on his pants and went sprawling, heart insistently trying to crawl up his throat. 

He stopped screwing around with their clothes to focus on the phone, and when he twisted and reached to pick it up, he noticed his shadow moving, and the color of sunrise in the room, and he froze for a second. 

Then his head whipped around, silky white hair falling into his face, and he saw his boyfriend literally glowing, and he was instantly filled with relief, which meant the internal screaming could finally start. 

Mamoru said something as he sat up, and Kei couldn't hear it over the 'YOU ALMOST KILLED HIM YOU MORON WHAT WERE YOU THINKING OH RIGHT yOU WEreN'T yoU'RE a FUCKING ANiMaL' in his head, so he gave the beautiful boy in the bed a blank look and asked, "What?" 

Now it was much clearer. "You fucking BIT me, you prick! Hard! Fangs hard!" 

Kei managed to give him a flat look. "You're complaining?" 

Silence from the former ingenue, and a slow reddening at the back of his neck and ears, and Kei had to look away, smiling. "No, don't do that," he said, letting a little growl into the dry amusement of his tone. 

"You can't *possibly* still be hungry," Mamoru blurted after a second. "You took... *calisse de criss d'ostie* you took two fucking litres--" 

"Did you honestly just do an inventory check on your blood? If you're missing two litres why are you upright?" Kei asked, eyebrows up as he moved to stand, tossing his phone on the bed and pulling his pants with him, belting them. 

"Healer," the black-haired boy answered vaguely, waving his hand around. "Anyway that's not the point-- the point is I healed *you*, Kei, you shouldn't have fangs. I didn't let that monster kill you. Don't you have to die to become vampire?" 

"Apparently..." Kei said, picking Mamoru's clothes up and coming over to the bed, "*not*. I just know you look and smell and taste completely... fucking... *delicious*." 

This last he said as he dropped the clothes on the bed and slid up on it, then placed his long, cool fingers against Mamoru's chest and lightly traced them down it, fingertips leaving ghost-trails of chill on his beautiful prince's skin. He surveyed the other man, silver eyes drinking every detail of him in, from his perfect mouth to his lovely eyes to his smooth chest to the blush that was creeping up his flesh again. A tightly-controlled feral little flash of predatory possessiveness flickered behind his eyes, and he smiled, and there were the fangs again. 

"Th-this again," laughed Mamoru shakily, still propped up on his elbows, but head tilting back to keep from having to cross his eyes to keep looking at Kei's face. 

"If you prefer, I could finish what I started--" 

Mamoru looked terribly undecided between mildly alarmed and increasingly turned on. 

"--and put your clothes back on. I was going to call emergency services." 

Mamoru shifted his weight to one elbow so he could reach up to place his hand over Kei's on his chest, and the redoubled contact got past the fuzzy-headedness and attempts at denial in both of them, and let Mamoru see just how terrified Kei was-- then, when he thought he'd killed him, and now, when he was thinking how easily it could happen. 

That's when the younger man pushed Kei back, pulled himself up, and wrapped himself around Kei. "You couldn't kill me," he whispered against his ear, "no matter how much control you think you'd lose. Ultimately, I'll *always* be safe with you." 

Kei's objection died on his lips as he got the full extent of exactly how hot Mamoru thought nearly dying was. Not just nearly dying, but the thought of Kei literally devouring him, the thought of his blood inside Kei, sustaining his new nature-- 

\--and at the same time as that turned Kei on, it was also fairly disturbing. He pulled away a little bit and placed his hands on Mamoru's shoulders, pushing him back enough to search his face. "You know that this is a kink far and away more unhealthy than any of the other admittedly sketchy things we've got up to, right?" 

"Is it?" asked Mamoru innocently. "It's just weirder because most kinky people don't especially consider actually drinking blood to be part of bloodplay. Or at least not much of it?" 

Kei still looked really dubious, but thoughtful, so Mamoru leaned in and whispered in his ear, "Or I could henshin, and you could *try*, and see how spectacular your new strength is in the process...and if you *fail*, maybe I'll let you bite me anyway." 

That was literally all the convincing it took. 

But for next time, because Kei insisted on Mamoru having steak tartare and iron supplements and a lot of Pedialyte for lunch. 


	5. Hasta Provocar Tus Gritos

###  **YESTERDAY: LOCKER ROOM AT VANIER**

"You can't get stakes in the meat department, I think you need to make them out of wood," Bunny said dubiously, picking herself up, jelly limbs and all. 

"Look, it's not my fault if your mom's cooking is that bad, and besides, stop distracting me," Minako said, scowling. 

"SHE'S AN AWESOME COOK. Okay get some ice and I'll put pants on and we'll go, just... explain on the way, okay?" 

_Five minutes later_ , Bunny was kissing the back of Minako's neck while holding an ice pack against the back of her head. "So tell me," she murmured against Minako's skin, the other girl melting back against her, "what's all this about fighting vampires?" 

'Stop distracting me' obviously meant 'distract me more so we don't have to make idiots of ourselves with using raw steaks to try and fight vampires.' 

"Remember-- remember the theatre seats?" Minako managed to get out, then reached up to try and take the ice pack from Bunny and turn around so she could concentrate. Instead, she found her wrist in a gentle iron grip, and while she was busy being surprised at that, her best friend had slid her other arm around Minako's front and up the inside of her shirt. Bunny's wrist held her in place with her back to Bunny, and deft and slender cool fingers traced circles around and around her nipple without ever touching it, Minako's silk bra enhancing the sensation rather than dulling it. 

Minako squirmed, and Bunny held her more tightly in place. 

"Yeah, I remember the theatre seats." 

"And the locker you-- you just dented? With your... elbow." 

Bunny's breath was hot, and tickled the tiny hairs at the back of Minako's neck, and then she felt Bunny's teeth graze the tender skin there before she spoke against it again, the sound vibrating against her spine and sending her shivering again. "Mmm, yes. What's this got to do with vampires?" 

"I'm-- uh-- I'm supposed to train you. I'm an expert. In training superheroes to kill vampires..." 

Bunny hiked Minako's shirt up with her wrist and then dipped her fingers into that lovely silk bra, and traced circles again, smaller and smaller, keeping the fabric away with her knuckles. Then her other hand let go of Minako's icepack-wrist and slid down her side and around her front, skin against skin a ticklish thing filled with intent and waking up Minako's entire body as an erogenous zone as Bunny nuzzled her nose into the crook of Minako's neck. "An expert? What, did you see a tut on youtube?" 

"That's c-cold," Minako gasped as Bunny suddenly pinched her already-erect nipple with one hand, and slipped the other down beneath Minako's waistband, fingers beginning an even worse tease than the hand upstairs. 

"Don't be silly, you're the one holding the icepack," Bunny said, then giggled. "No but seriously how does someone get to be an expert at something like that?" 

Minako was starting to go a little bit batshit under Bunny's ministrations, and she squirmed again, pressing her legs together to try and stimulate her own clitoris, but Bunny pushed her knee between Minako's thighs, and the girl writhed, then spread her legs and arched her back to try and grind against Bunny's knee. "Yuh-years of training and re... search... trou de cul de *Viarge*, Bunny, touchez!" 

"Patience," Bunny intoned, then ruined it by laughing like a dork against Minako's neck, but saved it by dipping her fingers ever lower, and dipping just one into Minako's very wet slit and running it slowly back and forth along the length, always stopping just shy of touching exactly where Minako wanted her to. 

The superhero trainer growled and tried to reach for Bunny's lower hand with her free one, but couldn't reach over Bunny's arm, and then dropped the icepack to grab at Bunny's wrist and get Bunny's hand to *move right*, but the shorter girl's strength was phenomenal, and her arm wouldn't be budged. Minako squirmed ineffectually, and the wrist against her solar plexus pressed in more tightly still. 

"Tell me about your training," Bunny suggested lightly, devilish delight in her bell-like voice, and Minako nearly wailed in frustration. 

"My uncle's been teaching me since I was thirteen! And-- and I'm really good at it, I know all the things to do, to teach you, and-- and oh no I guess, fuck, tabarnak de calisse de criss the evidence was staring me in the fucking face, your damn brother, I think he dated my uncle, fuck-- ooh, fuck, Bunny, f-u-c-k lower lower please fuck--" 

####  _SMASH CUT TO YEARS AGO in NDG_

  * Artemis and Kei's awkward date after a day of Tinyteen Minako Training, and like, they go have coffee and read about ancient history together. silently. across the cafe table.



####  _END SMASH CUT_

"Well I guess you're an expert, then, and I'll have to do whatever you tell me to," Bunny said cheerfully, and absolutely did not do as Minako said-- her fingers left Mina's slit and moved beneath the loose fabric of Minako's sweatpants to trace patterns against the oversensitive skin of her inner thighs, just past where Bunny's own knee kept them apart. 

Minako grunted in frustration and tried to arch her back again, but Bunny's grip on her was too tight, and all she could do was shift her weight and flail her arms and slap at Bunny's wrist through the fleece. "You're not doing *anything* I say!" she wailed. 

"I let you work me up at your pace," Bunny said reasonably, and then lightly bit Minako's earlobe and moved her upper hand to start playing with the slightly taller girl's other breast. She miscalculated, though, because that let some of the pressure off Minako's upper body and let her squirm partly free-- enough to jam her pussy against Bunny's knee and *grind*. 

Bunny's hand immediately went up-- so fast-- and gently wrapped itself around Minako's slender neck. No pressure, just immobile, thumb and ring finger at the sides of Minako's jaw and index and middle slid to push her chin up. Minako couldn't lower her body again without essentially dangling from the shorter girl's hand with her head tipped back, and Bunny leaned her head in to press against the side of Minako's, further steadying the grip. 

Minako could not get past how hot this was. Assertive Bunny. Assertive strong Bunny. Assertive strong beautiful *mean tease* Bunny. They might not suck at fighting vampires after all-- which was good, and so was Bunny being like this about her, Minako, because she still had to tell Bunny the worst part. But it could wait until after Bunny goddamn sent her over the edge. She teetered ever closer-- 

\--and then Bunny's fingers slid up and out of Minako's pants, and Minako's hips tried to follow them, and she swallowed a tiny little shriek of near-despair. 

Swallowed it whole because she was airborne before she could entirely process what was going on, and her sweatpants and panties were just *gone* over there on the floor somewhere maybe, and her arms were free but she was up so high and oh god Bunny's face was buried in her snatch and her back was against the locker room wall. 

Somewhere in the instant right before she completely lost herself, Minako processed that the odango buns on Bunny's head made *really good handles*. 

She grabbed hold of them, and then an intense silver light burst behind her eyes and she was having the exact opposite of an out-of-body experience: she was having a 'there is only my body and Bunny and the rest of the world is a hologram that just shut off' moment. Every nerve ending sang, and sometimes she was aware of Bunny's hands gripping the join between her buttocks and thighs, holding her up; sometimes she was aware of Bunny shifting her grip or of the fluorescent light that buzzed faintly overhead or of the dust on top of the lockers; sometimes she was only aware of Bunny's lips and tongue and teeth, teasing and licking and circling and nibbling and sending shockwaves through her to her fingertips, to her own teeth-- 

\--she gasped for breath and forgot she was Bunny's guard and mentor and guardian, forgot Bunny was a superhero, forgot the microskirt and fuck-me boots, forgot that faces and furniture and remote-control garage doors even existed, forgot words and concepts were a thing; she wasn't worried about anything at all and could never be again. She was the center of Bunny's full attention, and she soaked it in with frightening gratitude and an immense and unexpected feeling of terrible unworthiness-- 

\--and Bunny must have sensed it somehow, because that's when she shifted her grip and had Minako sitting one leg over her shoulder, other hand still holding her up and open. And her free hand began to finger-fuck her best friend-- and Minako was so tight and twitching and wild, back arched and hands clenching Bunny's hair buns in a deathgrip, but it only made it that much more unexpected for her, because she was so wet that every other thrust, Bunny was able to add another finger. Minako was positive she'd already hit the peak of where her princess could take her, but then-- 

\--slowly-- 

\--that slender, delicate hand pushed its way inexorably up inside her, and Minako made a tiny choking sound, unable to remember how to breathe or that she should bother, because this was SO MUCH BETTER THAN ANY DICK COULD POSSIBLY BE and she whited out. 

As she came back to herself, screaming, she had the faint impression of white and crystal-clear rooms full of beautiful things, and white roses glowing in a bright, faintly blue-tinged outdoor light, and yards and yards of the most comfortable, ephemerally light and translucent cloth, brushing against her as she chased it, laughing in amused exasperation in unison with a bright, sparkling laugh from ahead of her. 

It faded as the seconds passed and she breathed, too fast and desperate, and for a long moment she was wordless, crying and laughing breathlessly, still twitching. Twitching as she hugged Bunny's head to her chest, slouched with her back to the wall and her legs over Bunny's shoulders. 

Bunny slowly crouched, sliding Minako down the wall, and then ducking her head under one leg. Before Minako could make the horrible mistake of sitting on the locker room floor with no pants on of any kind, Bunny caught her and swept her into her arms, laughing and looking down at her guardian's face, eyes warm and full of love. 

That was familiar too, but there was something about it that pulled on the images she was losing, and for some reason, another face flickered into her mind's eye, alongside Bunny's, whose she finally saw, with a moon on her forehead, shining. *Mamoru's*. But-- not his: darker, younger. It didn't matter, he was associated with her, and he was the bad news, and Minako's heart had abruply never fallen so low from such a height. 

"What's wrong?" Bunny asked, bending her head to bonk Minako's lightly to get her drifting attention. 

"Mamoru's a vampire," whispered Minako, focusing on Bunny and looking tragic and scared, all at once, and taking the dramatic moment to collect her thoughts and ply Bunny with her absolutely flawless logic. 

Bunny dropped her and screeched. 

"He WHAT?" 

###  **THREE WEEKS AGO: THEATRE: Mamoru's POV _._**

Blissfully ignorant of the goings-on behind them, Mamoru had Kei's belt undone and his fly unzipped, and was gently and teasingly working him up underneath the jacket on the older boy's lap while decidedly marking his neck-- 

\--and someone in the movie screamed really loud, and Mamoru flinched, but gamely kept going. Kei was starting to stiffen somewhere other than in Mamoru's hand-- like, everywhere instead-- and Mamoru slowed down, and then there were more screams and Mamoru pulled back just in time to get slammed back into the seats in front of them and fall awkwardly into the sticky footwell. Head ringing, he distantly heard Kei yell, and then his face was full of long-ass curly hair and Kei's yell was cut off. 

Headache be damned; Mamoru filled with rage and felt a change come over him. His hands were suddenly gloved, and a slender and luminous white pointed domino mask narrowed his view even further than his fury did. He saw a curvy sparkle-dressed horn-elbowed figure with a mass of disturbingly prehensile hair on top of a limp Kei sprawled in the theatre seats -- knocked out with his cock out -- and there was darkness soaking Kei's jacket sleeve where his arm hung down. All the colors were off, were strange in the flickering movie light, but there was something hideously familiar about the figure, and something gut-clenchingly terrifying about the dark slick stain spreading on Kei's clothes-- 

A glass-shattering scream sounded right near him. Suddenly Mamoru was on his feet, ears ringing as he started yelling something inarticulate and grabbing for the figure's hair at the back of her head. He felt strength and heat and energy welling up inside him, and desperately focused it into his hand as he yanked her away from Kei with violent swiftness, and then he let it go as he shoved her away. There was a blindingly bright explosion of sunlight and concussive force, and then she wasn't there anymore; there was only a wild dark noise of wings everywhere, and then a cloud of burning bats dispersing into the air. 

Kei rolled out of the seats onto the floor and Mamoru dropped, yanking his gloves off and gripping Kei's copiously bleeding neck. *Thank god,* he thought as his familiar golden glow of healing shone from his fingertips, then his palms, then suffused his hands entirely and grew brighter than he'd ever seen it before. 

Vaguely he was aware of shit going on around him, but mostly his focus was on keeping Kei's heart beating-- he'd lost so much blood already. He poured in love and desperation with his energy, not realizing he was saying the words out loud, inaudible to everyone anyway after that scream. "Don't go don't go don't let go don't leave me alone again don't--" and the heartbeat steadied, strengthened, beat in time with his own. 

"Okay," he murmured against Kei's forehead, "okay." He kept the skin contact and the link between their hearts as he scooped Kei up in his arms like he weighed nothing, and then fled with him. Fled, despite the rioting theatregoers and the other vampires?? attacking people?? and... the girl with hair like Bunny's but wearing a microskirt and opera gloves and fuckme boots, literally batting vampires into the walls with a row of theatre seats, and the girl next to her who-- okay that was definitely Minako with a glowing whip or something, which meant that probably *was* Bunny, and Mamoru was so done with this theatre. He jumped over people where he had to and let the crazy superheroes deal with the monsters and the paramedics deal with the injured people; he had to keep Kei from dying. Had to. 

Finally he made it out a fire exit into an alley, then leapt-- leapt right up onto the opposite rooftop. Okay, he thought, yes, useful. And he ran, parkouring with his arms full of white-haired grad student. 

###  **NOW: WANDERING AROUND THE PLATEAU AT NIGHT**

"This is so sad. Hey Siri play Despacito," Bunny said to her phone sulkily, following Minako through the Plateau, the narrow streets and two-story buildings winding around endlessly. The buildings were, in fact, perfect for monsters to hide in the shadows around, since they were all connected to each other by overhead walkways and covered porches that linked buildings together and all had narrow alleys. There weren't many cars because there weren't many places to park, and the sounds and scents of partying students and starving artists filled the night air. 

Bunny's phone queued up and started playing, and Minako stopped to turn around and stare at her, ziploc bag of raw steak hanging pendulously from one thin and nervous hand. 

It wasn't the original. For some unfathomable reason, it was the ska-punk version by the Holophonics. Bunny also looked surprised, but after a second it turned into delight; she started forward again, dancing with her phone up in the air. 

"Good, that's good," Minako said slowly, starting to walk again and glancing back at her friend, "pretend you're a crunk party girl, it'll lure out the Mamorus--" 

"Don't be mean, you know he's gay," Bunny sang to the tune of Despacito, doing a little twirl. 

"Well then at least do your mighty morphin' microskirt thing," Minako snapped, something tickling at her senses and making her more irritated than was warranted. At least Bunny wasn't sulking anymore; Minako should be grateful. But there was still something wrong, something that didn't entirely fit together, and there was something wrong *in the air*... 

Bunny twirled and sang as her clothes changed and her new heels gave her at least four inches of extra height. "*Quiero respirar tu cuello~*" and Minako slid a bloody steak out of the ziploc bag. 

She could hear someone up ahead, so she steered Bunny into an alley and shushed her, so Bunny started whispering the words. "Dessss-pa-cito~" 

And Mamoru and Kei hove into sight like a couple of schooners into Halifax port. They looked super pretty. Minako was super upset, and shoved a steak into Bunny's phone free hand. "*Throw it*," she hissed. 

Bunny was too busy trying to enact the words of the song to really be paying attention, so she took the slimy cold wet bloody meat, squealed in distaste right in the middle of singing about taking Minako's clothes off, then flung it away from her at high speed. High speed and great force. 

There was a wet splat as it hit Mamoru's super hipster purple argyle sweatervest and tailored suit jacket and sent him flying backwards. Kei whirled to look, then dropped into a combat stance and faced the alleyway, actually legit growling. And-- and growing fangs, right in front of Bunny and Minako's eyes. 

Bunny opened her mouth to scream, and shattering windows aside, Minako didn't want them drawing attention so she immediately slapped her hand over that pretty, pretty mouth, and got a handful of lip balm for her troubles. And Bunny was so indignant over it that she licked Minako's palm, too, which made Minako squeal and shove Bunny, jerking her hand back. 

"WHO'S WASTING FOOD?!" Kei bellowed, apparently not caring about drawing attention. That or he figured they were in the Plateau and nobody else cared. He started stalking forward. 

"I'm fine, thanks," Mamoru mumbled from the ground behind him, then started getting up, and picked the steak up off his chest because Kei was yelling about it and it still hadn't hit the ground-- and could be washed off anyway, GOD-- and he brushed his sweatervest and that hand came away bloody, too, and he looked appalled. "I just came out to have a good time and honestly I'm feeling so attacked right now," he yelled. 

"Seriously?" Minako yelled back at him, appalled too, "that's so-- what-- fuck, Jesus CHRIST, MAMORU, 2014 called, it wants its meme back!" 

"Kei-- Kei, stop, it's your sister and Minako, stop--" Mamoru said, eyes widening and stepping forward to grab Kei's arm. 

Bunny was giggling, and wiping her hand off on Minako, and Kei was still stalking toward them. 

Then he stalled, uncertain-- still angry, but uncertain. "Minako? *Bunny*? What the fuck are you idiots doing?" 

That was when Bunny remembered she was supposed to kill Mamoru, and looked sick to her stomach, and then it processed that Kei had sprouted fangs like he'd planted them and then chugged magic Miracle-Gro, and she looked appalled, too. "I-- Kei-- oh no, niisan, no no no--" 

She started backing away, and Minako stepped in front of her and unslung her belt, scowling at Kei. "I don't care if you're gay. I don't care if you were supposed to marry me. I don't even care if you're Bunny's brother. You drink blood, you gotta go. If she can't do it, I will. What are you doing, mind-controlling Mamoru with your vampire hypnosis?" 

"*I'm* the psychic one," Mamoru burst in, offended. 

"Oh so you're SPREADING it for him!" 

Bunny sobbed into Minako's shoulder. "That's not what he's spreading for him..." 

"*Bunny,*" hissed Minako, "what was that you were saying about better than any dick ever? Come on, FOCUS, your BROTHER is a VAMPIRE--" 

"Better than--?" Bunny started, distracted from her wailing. "What was I saying--?" 

Minako's big red bow got in Bunny's face with the jerk of her head, which meant Bunny and her fuckme boots didn't see her lifting the belt-- didn't see the SWORD at the end of it-- and it starting to glow. She was still sputtering and pulling Minako's hair out of her mouth when she heard Minako yelling "WINK CHAIN FUCK SWORRRRRR--" 

Instantly, like it was actual reflex, Bunny's opera-gloved hand came up and grabbed Minako's wrist, taking the bite out of her attack and the wind out of her sails all at once; her stopping Minako came at the same time as Mamoru stepping in front of Kei and pulling a cape up out of nowhere to defend him. 

"I TOLD YOU! THEY'RE BOTH VAMPIRES! HE'S DRESSED LIKE DRACULA!" Minako screeched in desperate frustration, heart fluttering with panic in her chest and everything going wrong stacking up on her nerves all at once. 

"Kei, Mamoru, we'll call you later. I'll pay for your nerdy-ass vest," said Bunny flatly, all the laughing and overreacting and crying just *done*, like someone'd switched off the lights. "We're going home, Mina. Now." 

"So the fuck are we," muttered Mamoru, and Kei finally looked appalled. 

Unbeknownst to any of them, a tiny pair of gleaming red eyes surrounded by a fall of fire-engine red hair observed the group's separation, and then the bat flapped away into the night. 


	6. My My My How the Time Does Fly When You Know You're Gonna Die By the End of the Night

###  **NOW: BUNNY AND MINAKO YELL-FIGHT**

They walked away, Minako and Bunny both fuming as they went off in their direction, not even looking back at the boys. Bunny's ridiculous boot heels clicked against the pavement like a ruler snapping against a desk top, echoing in the strange acoustics of the empty street, and it started misting-- not quite a drizzle, but enough to form halos around the streetlights and darken, then shine, the asphalt beneath their feet. 

There was a distinct lack of party music and muffled yelling or band practicing going on in the innumerable tiny, labyrinthine apartments that surrounded them; even the sounds of traffic from further down the mountain, in the downtown districts, were faint and dim. 

Minako didn't say a word, just scowled nearly hard enough to set fire to the damp ground in front of her. 

"First of all," Bunny finally snapped, breaking the uncomfortable silence, "I'm not going to kill either of them, and neither are you. This isn't Buffy or something, Kei didn't get klingon-face when he went all fangy. SPEAKING OF WHICH, have you NOT EVEN SEEN Buffy or literally read any smutty vampire novels or whatever, ever? I was willing to believe maybe you knew something I didn't and raw meat might actually *do* something, but no matter how glad I am it didn't, if there are *other* vampires that might actually go around hurting people-- which there have to be because let me tell you, Kei's never been a vampire *before*-- then maybe we should find some actual sharp fucking sticks to stab them with?" 

Minako let her finish, clutching the bag of raw meat in one white-knuckled hand and glaring at her phone screen, open to the Lyft app, in the other. She wasn't ordering a ride yet. She was weathering Bunny's tirade and debating whether they should risk even getting a Lyft, if they were going to be yelling at each other. 

When Bunny went silent, obviously waiting for a response, Minako lifted her chin and let her hand drop to her side. She looked straight ahead. "Uncle Artemis told me it was wooden stakes, yeah," she said in a low voice. "I didn't want you to have to kill anyone. When it didn't work I was gonna do it with my belt. I'd rather you hated me for killing Mamoru than hated yourself for it." 

Bunny stopped in her tracks, throwing out an arm in front of Minako to stop her, too, and then whirled on her girlfriend, look of fiercely angry hurt and betrayal on her face. "So you LIED to me," she said, voice starting out low and raw, then raising and breaking in the middle of it, shock wound throughout. "Do you mean for killing Mamoru or *killing my big brother*? Because I don't know how much of what you're telling me is lies, anymore!" 

"Mamoru!" Minako burst out, eyes widening. She took a step back, staring at Bunny, but kept going. "I had no idea it was Kei! Mamoru's the one who manifests a fucking Dracula getup out of fucking nowhere, how was I supposed to fucking know it wasn't him? Besides, I obviously wasn't lying about you being supposed to kill vampires, I mean, that's what Uncle Artemis has been training me to be on the lookout for since I was thirteen! And then BAM, you manifest these superpowers and this outfit, right when there's a vampire attack in the theater--" 

"Your TWEEDY FUCKING UNCLE, *right*," spit Bunny, jamming her phone in her bra because the stupid costume had no pockets and she didn't really know how to get rid of it. "Like I get it, I know you have this magic belt and giant spring-loaded sword or whatever, and okay maybe Uncle Artie did teach you some shit, like maybe how to use it, but how the fuck am I supposed to believe anything else? That it's even about vampires, really? Maybe it's Mothra. Maybe it's the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, or the Illuminati. Maybe it's just sexual predators and muggers and normal fucking entitled assholes and sociopaths! Were you even telling the truth about how you feel about me? Or do you just hate Mamoru that much and you wanted to stop me from thinking about him?" 

Now Minako was the one who was well and truly shocked, and every word out of Bunny's mouth was like a stake through *her* heart; she fell back another step and had all the body language of someone who'd just been stabbed in the gut. "How could you think that? I-- I never asked you before because-- because you were so fixated on him-- I never thought I had a chance. And then you got that crush on Rei, and-- then you found out about your brother and him, and-- and I thought maybe you just never looked at me like that because familiarity needs contretemps--" 

"Yeah maybe you should just go the fuck home, Minako, and think about being totally honest with me, and I'll go home and think about ever believing you again," the twintailed superhero bit out, and she spun on her heel and started walking, then running, into the drizzly night. It wasn't long before she vanished into the maze of dark, wet streets. 

###  **NOW: BERYL FINDS MINAKO**

There was a brief fluttering of wings and a swift shadow crossed Minako's path as something flew beneath the orange streetlight. She barely noticed. She was already crying, hot angry tears burning down her face, hands in fists at her sides. She abruptly hurled the ziploc of steak at a building and it burst, spattering what blood remained across the wall; fuck Kei and his wasting food thing. Fuck Kei. Fuck Mamoru. Fuck Uncle Artemis's stupid training, fuck vampires, fuck EVERYTHING. 

Bunny was right. She'd lied. She'd broken the trust of her most important person. 

Scrubbing her knuckles into her eyes, Minako let out a choked little sob and staggered into the alley opposite where she'd thrown the steak, then sank down against the wall to sit on the ground and curl up, hugging her knees tightly to her chest. She'd ruined everything. Everyone was mad at her, and she couldn't even kill a vampire, and she'd lost Bunny's trust-- 

There was another flapping fluttering above her, more wings, but Minako's sobbing was loud and caused some pretty thick congestion besides, and she couldn't hear it. "Stupid, *stupid*," she hissed between big gulps of air and broken little convulsions of violent sorrow, and she ground her fist into the asphalt next to her-- 

\--and then something cold touched the back of her neck, and Minako jerked upright, throwing out a fist. 

All she could see was fire-engine red hair and spangly purple taffeta, and that something cold caught her fist in a crushingly tight grip. Minako's heart leapt into her throat and beat hard and fast in her ears, and she let out a tiny, terrified chuff of breath, barely voicing the smallest 'quoi--??' 

A slithery, slow voice, like cold viscous motor oil poured over her eardrums, spoke as she tried to free her one hand and went for her belt with the other-- and then that hand was caught, too, and both of them were held against the damp, chilly wall. "And what do we have here? The killer's little sidekick?" 

Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck, thought Minako, but she wasn't frozen-- she was looking for openings, any openings, even if it meant dislocating her arm or even breaking it to get away; she could see the face that went with the voice and the hair and the cold iron hands, and it was deathly pale and coldly beautiful and had fangs behind blood red smiling lips. She was still sitting on the ground, so she kicked one leg up high-- even if the vampire didn't have junk, she knew damn well how much a kick *right there* hurt girls too. 

But the vampire just yanked her up by her arms, fucking with her balance and momentum and the impact and aim of the kick, then kneed her hard in the stomach and stretched her arms out swiftly, causing the back of MInako's head to slam hard into the brick wall. "Ah-ah," said Beryl, for indeed the vampire was she, and she sounded so very chiding. "Even though you're a stupid, stupid little bitch, you can still be fairly useful to me. Look up." 

When Minako refused to look at her, dazed and hurting and winded, Beryl lifted her off the ground and swung her around. Minako was sluggish, she couldn't get her arms to respond fast enough or do what she wanted them to, and pretty shortly thereafter Beryl had both her wrists caught and pulled far behind her, and her front slammed against the wall, and Beryl's other hand was knotted painfully in her hair. She jerked Minako's head to one side and smiled against the girl's white neck, and Minako felt like she was going to throw up. 

"I'll give you enough power," Beryl said in a low, silky murmur, "to get your little killer under your thumb, and her irritating brother, and you'll help me get Mamoru." 

"Eat shit," mumbled Minako. 

"Rude," murmured Beryl, then sank her teeth into Minako's neck and gorged herself. 

A traitorous tear slipped down Minako's face, and she blacked out. Her phone started ringing. 

###  **NOW: ARTEMIS FINDS BUNNY**

"*Merde, merde, merde-- où es-tu?" Artemis swore to himself, slow-cruising the Plateau in his goddamn huge and aggravatingly old classy-rickety Cadillac. Minako'd been supposed to call him if there was vampire activity, but she goddamned hadn't, and he found out when Kei's vamping out set off a ping right in the neighborhood of where Minako said she and Bunny had been going to a Halloween party. 

Finally, he saw Bunny, but not Minako, but Bunny was dressed like a Sexy Sailor Superhero because honestly who else had that much hair? He slowed, then stopped the car and got out and started to call, but she saw him first and he processed the fact that she was crying at the same time as she let out an inconsolable wail, loud enough to wake the dead. Lights went on in the apartments around them, and Artemis flinched then just opened his arms, and she ran into them and the impact was like a freight train and suddenly he was unsure if he actually had ribs anymore. 

*Oh.* Not just a Sexy Superhero Sailor Girl costume. 

"Air," he gasped, and Bunny let up slightly, and then he managed to get out a strangled, "What's wrong? Where's Minako?" 

Her answer was too fast and full of crying, so all Artemis could say, still holding her, was a blank, "What?" 

"We had a fight, she was going to kill Mamoru and lied to me and I threw meat and Kei is a vampire and I'm afraid she's going to kill him but I'm so mad at her how much has she been lying but then I got worried and now I'm lost fuck the Plateau and I can't get a signal and--" 

Exquisite, visceral anger coiled up inside Artemis: *Minako*. What on EARTH was she doing? And Bunny alone and untrained-- "Okay. Get in the car and-- let go of your mad, or at least try, eh? And I'll drop you off at the bus stop. Then just-- go home, I'll go fetch Minako. Everything will be all right," he told Bunny soothingly, and a grown-up telling her everything would be fine was all she needed to hear right then. She got in the car. 

Back at home, the ping-ping machine started going off like crazy and no one was there to hear it, or to see where the signal was going off. 

Artemis dropped Bunny off without incident, then went looking for Minako. He knew vaguely what direction he should be going in-- the one opposite where he came from since that's the address he had for the party. 

Abruptly, he slammed on the brakes. Bunny *had come from the wrong direction*. He cursed again and did a K-turn in the narrow street with the giant car, so it was more like a nine-pointed chaos-demon-summoning star but he wasn't paying attention, and then gunned it and started going forty whole kph. 

It was sheer luck that he saw the cloud of prehensile red hair waving out of an alley and stopped the car, because honestly it was nowhere he expected to be. But no, no, that was just weird and wrong and he stopped the car as sneakily as he could, parking entirely illegally and turning it off and dropping the keys in the footwell. There was that time he'd gotten stabbed with his own keys and he wasn't particularly in mind to repeat the incident. 

Stake in one hand and light-on-pavement magnesium road flare in the other, he locked the car door and closed it quietly, then froze. He looked at the lock. Then at the footwell. 

Artemis dropped his head on the roof of his car with a light thunk, and then heard a wet sound behind him and froze again. Right. Monster. Monster probably eating someone, from the sound of it. He forgot his car and stalked quietly toward the alley, and could vaguely see a long purple gown and horn-elbowed arms in the mass of red hair-- and against the wall, long blonde hair. He crouched, still watching, and struck the flare on the pavement. 

He froze again because the light revealed, as the monster turned her face and then abruptly hid it, dripping with blood, from the light-- revealed a big red bow atop the blonde head. 

Somewhere, someone was screaming at the purple-gowned monster, and as he flew forward with the stake, Artemis realized it was his own voice. "CALISSE DE CRISS D'OSTI DE CIBOIRE DE BAPTEME DE VIARGE! LÂCHEZ-LA!" he bellowed, "J'AI DIT LÂCHEZ-LA! TOUCHE PAS Â ELLE!" 

Beryl flinched back from the magnesium flare and hissed as she took a couple of steps back, letting go of Minako, and Artemis made the mistake of glancing toward his niece as she slid down the wall, pale and motionless, neck a bloody ruin. His eyes widened, and Beryl took the opportunity to grab his ankles with her hair and pick him up, flinging him in the air upside down and then slamming him against the wall. 

Artemis lost his breath to the impact, but had managed to shield his head with his stake-holding arm, so ignored the fact that he was upside down and couldn't breathe, and set Beryl's hair on fire with the flare. 

The vampire shrieked and dropped him, and he did hit his head that time, and dropped the flare to boot. As he rolled to an ignominious stop upside down against the wall and scrambled for the flare, Beryl was already speeding toward him. She high-kicked the flare out of his reach and picked him up by the shirt front, then bit her burning hair off and threw it away from her. "You're not goddamned Kei Tsukino!" she howled in fury, then backhanded him with the force of an internal combustion engine backfiring. 

Artemis rolled his head back to look at her, wild-eyed with rage and adrenaline, and took a deep gasping breath. "SUCE MA BITE," he yelled with it, and stabbed at her with the stake. 

It got her in the shoulder. 

She screamed with rage and ducked her head in, fangs bigger than life, and went for his neck. 

\--- 

Literally thirty seconds after Artemis pulled away, a tug of outright panic pulled at Bunny from the opposite direction. *Minako*, she thought, and that was *all* she thought, and she started running. Her fear gave her speed, because Minako was panicking and she could feel it, and then her fear forced her transformation again and her speed increased again. How far had she stalked? How far had Minako gone? Why wasn't she there yet? 

\--- 

"*Bunny,*" Kei and Mamoru said in unison, stopping short on their cranky walk home. They looked at each other, both grim. 

"She's that way," Mamoru said firmly and took off running. 

"No, she's moving-- you go that way, sure, and I'll try to head her off at the pass," Kei called after him and ran down a side street. 

\--- 

Kei ran-- ran like hell, toward where he was dimly sure his little sister was turning, and then he stopped short because he heard a choked sound and saw Artemis' car across the street from a suspiciously dark alley. Of course it was Artemis' car. He'd know the car of the guy he ostensibly dated a couple of years ago if it didn't change, and he was pretty sure Artemis hadn't gotten a new car ever-- this one was inexplicably an '88 in Montreal despite salty winter streets that formed potholes if you looked at them funny-- 

He wheeled around on his heel, leaving his sister to Mamoru, who'd be able to help her too, and he squinted past the light to see into the dark. There: a figure on the ground, lots of blonde hair and a big red bow; Minako. And the masses of red hair and sparkly purple prom dress of the woman he'd *only just* been warning Mamoru about three fucking weeks ago, holding Artemis up against the wall by his shirt and going for his neck. All of a sudden the other half of the familiarity clicked into place, and he realized who'd attacked him in the theatre. He stopped breathing, body singing with pure rage. 

Kei *dove*, practically flying into the alley murder-first, and his outstretched fist impacted immediately with the side of Beryl's head. As she screeched in rage and flew back, knocking over a couple of trash bins, Artemis dropped unceremoniously to the ground and fell over, bleeding. Kei couldn't see to him or Minako yet, there was a shrieking banshee rising up off the ground until she wasn't touching it, just hovering there with her hair weightlessly spreading out around her and floating above, weaving weirdly in the air. 

"You did this to me," he whispered, and his hands were in fists at his sides, and then abruptly his jeans and oxford shirt transformed on him to some kind of Japanese school uniform with a cape, and a bright pink curved sword made of light sparkled into being in his hand. 

"Yes," hissed Beryl, the ends of her hair occasionally growing bat wings and flapping away, and she raised her hands up in front of her, manicure turning into vicious claws, and fangy mouth opening in a too-wide, too-large grin. "Well, not the cape. But hey-- go kill your sister, then sit on the bridge and wait for sunrise." 

To his surprise, Kei felt a compulsion to do just that. He stepped on it, hard, and bared his own fangs. "As Artemis would say were he too drunk to walk, *fututus et mori in igni*." And then he took a running leap at her, sword first, and she got her claws into his chest at the same time as his sword pierced her sternum. 

Beryl cackled with the edge of insanity crumbling the corners of the laugh, and twisted her claw-nails in Kei's chest, taking massive chunks out of it and spilling blood down his cream-colored uniform. "Your pretty pink Barbie sword isn't made of wood, you fucking nerd!" 

They began to fight in earnest, throwing each other into walls and running up them and carving at each other and getting blood everywhere, Beryl laughing increasingly manically and horrifying feral sounds ripping their way out of Kei's throat, and some college student slammed open a window on the third floor of the building on the left of the alley and yelled, "Ta YEULE!" 

Beryl immediately zoomed for the window, crashing through it as the student was starting to slam it shut, and there were a couple of screams from upstairs, and Kei running-leapt after her and grabbed a fist full of her hair, yanking it back. "Don't call the police, yet," he yelled into the apartment as he did so, "I've got this--! It's stupid vampire versus superhero shit; vie de merde--" 

"Oh, mood," gasped the student from across the room, slammed into the wall and holding his head, sitting on the floor and staring, then flinching. 

It didn't work out the way he planned, but it at least got Beryl out of the apartment. He didn't have a chance to answer because abruptly Beryl's hair was wrapped around him and squeezing, holding him in place in midair. He kicked his legs but couldn't find purchase on anything, and then her hair wrapped it around his legs, too, and she casually floated over and started stabbing her claw-nails through what she'd already fucked up unbelievably, carefully making a circle as she talked. 

"I'm glad you didn't just do what I said. This way, I have the absolute pleasure of taking care of you myself, then slowly cutting your sister up into tiny pieces while she screams and cries that FUCKING ANNOYING CRY that fucking BREAKS GLASS-- or maybe I'll make her my loyal slave instead. I'll just put her on ice until I get my claws into Mamoru, who was the *only one* of you idiots I actually *wanted*, and then he can help me deal with her," she said mostly cheerfully, voice occasionally going sharp and shrill and yelly when she couldn't make herself pour the saccharine on. "I'd like to make you watch, but regrettably, you won't do as you're told, so I just have to kill you before they get here." 

With that, she hauled back and punched straight through Kei's chest, the perforations she'd made with her claws ahead of time making the cylinder of flesh and bone and muscle and heart and lung just come out all of a piece and fall to the alley below with a sick wet sound. 

"KEI!!" screamed two young voices in unison from the mouth of the alley. 


	7. I Hope You Had the Time of Your Life

###  **LIKE A SECOND AGO**

Mamoru nearly smashed into Bunny running from the opposite direction, both headed for the mouth of the same alley, and he grabbed her arms to steady them both-- and then they turned to look into the darkness. 

They saw Beryl punching through Kei's chest in midair, and a literal cylinder of Kei pop out like a peg out of a hole and splootch down into the alley. 

"KEI!" the two of them screamed in unison, frozen and staring. 

Eyes very very wide behind the mask, Mamoru gripped Bunny's arm all of a sudden and said, "I'll fix them-- I'll fix them! You concentrate on her! Dust her! However you can!" He glanced around wildly, and his eyes lit on the stake Artemis had dropped, and he lunged to scoop it up and slap it into Bunny's hand. "Go go go!" 

"TAKE YOUR HAN-- CL-- F-- YOUR FUCKING HAIR OFF MY BROTHER, YOU PSYCHO BITCH!" Bunny screamed in fury, barely registering what Mamoru was saying; she had a stake in her hand all of a sudden, so she threw it with alarming accuracy, and it stuck in Beryl's ribcage roundabout the vicinity of her lower left lung and started smoking. 

"OW! You little--" hissed Beryl, dropping what she pretty much assumed was Kei's corpse to the ground next to the pieces of him already chilling there, and she came at Bunny like a flying miniature skyscraper, mouth getting bigger than her head almost. 

Bunny leapt up just high enough for Beryl to whiff right underneath her, and came down on her just as she was passing. She landed on the vampire queen's back and ducked and dodged super-grabby hair, pulling a metal stick with a moon and a giant diamond affixed to the top out of her cleavage. She didn't have time to think about either that or the inherent innuendo contained in its location; Beryl was wheeling and trying to drop Bunny off her, but Bunny's other arm had gotten Beryl's skinny neck in a chokehold. 

Meanwhile, Mamoru brushed an ungloved hand over first Minako and then Artemis on his way toward Kei, panic settling into a hard little ball in his chest, where he could pretend it was cool professional determination under fire and act accordingly. Triage. Artemis would be fine after Mamoru took care of his concussion. Minako he had to fix in short order or she'd become as vampire as Beryl, rather than as vampire as Kei-- 

\--but Kei was missing a huge chunk of his chest and internal organs and spine and ribs and was still conscious, bleeding out. So he started with Kei, picking up the giant chunk of Kei-body and hauling it over to drop it into place and shove, then start pouring bright gold healing energy into him. If he could just connect the spine, heart and main arteries, esophagus, and-- no all that would take too long. He cauterized the parts that were bleeding out and reconnected Kei's spinal cord, then hissed, "Don't move. I have to de-vampire Minako. Be right back." 

As he ducked and dodged back up the alley to where Minako lay slumped against the wall, Bunny was screaming a really creative stream of obscenities at Beryl and Beryl flew back against the wall to slam Bunny against it. Mamoru winced when he heard the ugly thud of the girl's head impacting brick, but he'd seen how tough she was in the theatre, and just *trusted*. She was, after all, trusting him to save her friends and brother. 

As he got to Minako, there was a blinding glow behind and above him, silver and beautiful, accompanied by a rush of wind and a choir of angels and harpsichords, and he didn't look. He couldn't. Minako wasn't breathing, and what had been a weakly beating heart when he brushed his hand against her last was now erratic; was now stopped. So the silver brilliance was joined by gold-- 

\--- 

Artemis was pretty sure Minako was dead, and he was dying, and then he heard Kei, and there was a mess of screaming and yelling and he thought to himself that someone ought to be filming this fight because it would be marketing madness, and then he stopped thinking that because he heard the worst sound of wet meat and bone hitting the asphalt in the alley, and he'd killed vampires before, and that's not the kind of sound they made when they died, and he heard Bunny and some boy, and thought at least Beryl would die even if she killed everyone else. 

For a split second, as an unfamiliar hand brushed against his head, everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. 

\--- 

Kei couldn't think, everything hurt too much. But when Mamoru touched the squelching part of him that Beryl had punched right out, and started knitting it back into him somehow, everything *stopped* hurting and he could rewind the events in his head. He was able to pick out that Bunny had arrived and Mamoru was for some ungodly reason telling her to handle Beryl by herself?? After literally throwing a steak at Mamoru?? But Bunny seemed to be doing all right-- and then Mamoru told him not to move and he was somewhat frustrated that Mamoru didn't stick around long enough to see the look on his face. Then everything hurt too much to think again. 

Except, a small eternity later, a bright gold glow he recognised was joined by a silver one that he didn't-- 

\--- 

Minako was out cold and missing *all of this* and she was going to be *so pissed*. 

\--- 

Beryl was just pissed. This girl was too fucking strong, and was literally *on her back* and keeping Beryl from biting her, and she had some stupid metal stick, and not even slamming her back against the wall was working, and then this silver glow started emanating from the diamond on the stick, and it burned, it felt like a tiny sun. Abruptly Beryl started struggling more fiercely, grinding Bunny against the wall and snaking her hair up to try and rip Bunny's arms off her, but Bunny was too strong. She wrapped her hair around Bunny's neck and *squeezed*. 

\--- 

Bunny sucked in a deep breath the instant she felt Beryl's hair curl around her neck, and she started yelling it out immediately because the stupid diamond wasn't being bright enough, and she got most of it out before Beryl started crushing her larynx and cutting off blood flow to her brain. 

"MOOOOOOOOON CHARGE MY LASERS *HEARTBREAK*!!!" 

Suddenly the light from the diamond was blinding, and Beryl tried to flee from it by turning into bats, but even as Bunny fell to the pavement *hard*, the bats were disintegrating right out of the air. Gasping for breath and holding her hand on her agonized neck, Bunny concentrated harder and poured everything into the diamond-- and then she felt Mamoru's hand over hers on her throat and nothing hurt anymore and she could breathe normally, and then gold light like the actual sun twined around the silver light of her diamond and strengthened it, spread it, made it come from the windows of the buildings and the cracks in the walls and the pavement, and then from the bricks and asphalt themselves, and everything was bright, bright-- 

And then she passed out. 

###  **NOW: AFTERMATH, STILL IN THE PLATEAU BECAUSE NO ONE'S CALLED THE COPS YET**

Mamoru, in his magic formalwear that Minako had so rudely mistaken for a dracula costume, had his hands full. Literally, at the moment, with Bunny, who despite having passed out, was still in the best shape of all of them. He hurriedly put her down next to Minako and went to work on the girl with the big red bow and the distressing lack of blood. Right before helping Bunny, he'd managed to get Minako's heart beating and lungs working again, but her pulse was thready and her heart erratic, still, and her breathing very shallow. 

If, he thought grimly, he could regenerate his own blood while having seriously kinky sex with Kei, he could damn well regenerate Minako's. It's just that Beryl had taken a lot more from Minako than she'd managed to from Kei in the theater, so Mamoru really wasn't sure how this was going to work out-- 

\--and Artemis had a massive concussion and probably some broken bones-- 

\--and for fuck's sake Kei was a garbage fire. Kei, though, he could heal partially by feeding him blood, and Minako's situation was a lot trickier. So he worked, hands bright, eyes glowing to match, silken cape fluttering in the sudden breeze from the river and playing with the glossy black locks of hair over his furrowed brow. 

That was what Bunny saw when she awakened groggily, and she just stared in dreamy admiration for a moment before she realized that not only were his eyes glowing, he was fretting, and he was really worried, and she could feel it he was worrying so hard, and Minako didn't look like she was breathing. That's where Bunny swallowed and sat up, then reached to put her hand over Mamoru's. "She bit her, didn't she. A lot." 

"Yeah," said Mamoru distractedly. 

"Like Kei. She's become vampire like Kei." 

"Yeah," said Mamoru, his voice tighter because his throat was tighter. 

"It's okay, Mamoru. Go help my brother," said Bunny really softly, "and then come back here and make sure she doesn't turn ''me'' into one, okay?" 

Mamoru nodded, then blinked, and his head whipped around to stare at her. "You can't--" 

"I love her. I love her as much as something in me remembers loving you, once upon a time. I love her as much as Kei's always loved you, from once upon a time all the way until now," Bunny told him, pushing at his arm. "So go the hell over there or fite me IRL." 

"This is real li--" 

"Tabarnac! *GO* you asshole, calisse de criss de--" 

"GOING." 

Mamoru scrambled over to Kei, totally missing the fact that Artemis wasn't on the ground near Minako anymore, and went back to trying to shove his vampire boyfriend's guts back where they belonged. 

"Idiot," said Kei fondly, barely there, and abruptly his perfectly-working arm reached up to grab Mamoru by the neck badge and yank him down, half pulling himself up in the meantime, meeting in the middle to sink his teeth into Mamoru's carotid artery basically. 

Artemis stood over both of them, holding his head and looking really annoyed. "I'm fine, thanks for asking," he said. "That light show that Bunny the Vampire--" he glanced over his shoulder and then closed his eyes after seeing what was going on up toward the front of the alley, "--Layer, I MEAN Slayer-- it healed me." 

Obviously neither of them was listening to him. 

"So I'm going to--" 

The busted window overhead, spilling light into the alley, was suddenly partially obscured by shadow. "HEY. Are you assholes done fighting monsters yet? Are you-- holy fuck what are you even doing down th-- are you-- how can that even be comfortable?! Oh god, that's really not sanitary--" the same voice from before called down, increasingly dubious. 

Artemis looked up, shading his eyes. "It's fine, I think I'm the only goddamned human down here." 

"Great, you get the bill for the window." 

###  **LATER: COCOA, EXPLANATIONS, PAPER GRADING, and MOAR SMUT**

  * cocoa at artemis' house as he explains everything to everyone 
  * there is resolve to hunt down the rest of beryl's minions as a team 
  * everyone goes home 
  * super kinky vampire smut for everyone! 
  * except artemis, who is grading kei's papers, and rei, who is flamethrowering vampires somewhere



##  **ROLL END CREDITS**

###  **Post-Credits Scene**

"And you'd better not have put me in it," said Rei in a low voice, leaning forward, pushing her latte to one side. 

Ami looked up, adjusting her glasses and looking completely and utterly baffled. "Well, I was *going* to, I mean, there was the perfect opportunity earlier for you to show up with a lighter and a can of hairspray, get propositioned by literally everyone, and tell them all to-- ahem--" 

"Fuck themselves?" 

"More or less," answered Ami, then sipped her frappuccino and put it back down to continue typing. "I don't have time to actually put the rest of Usagi's family in, but I expect that's for the better..." 

"You should have shipped Artemis and Kunzite more," decided Rei, sitting back and crossing her arms, then looking out the window. 

"Impossible," said Ami firmly, glancing back up for a second, then adjusting her glasses and staring at the screen. "I mean," she relented, "not impossible, but incredibly boring and pretty stupid. I wanted to make this at least semi-believable. Or at least semi-in-character for all involved. Somewhat. If they had a lot of sex." 

"Goals," said Rei dubiously, watching Ami out of the corner of her eye, "I *guess*." 

Then Ami mumbled something into her whipped cream. 

Rei sat up with a start. "You WHAT?" 

Ami looked up again, eyes glittering. "Usagi's crush on you when she first met you was what started this whole thing off. Well, that and all the ridiculous longing gazes I see from everyone everywhere anywhen. I should do an entire *series*. I should definitely write one about the threesome you have with Jadeite and Minako." 

"*WHAT?*" squawked Rei, standing up so suddenly she almost knocked over her chair, and making a grab for Ami's chromebook. 

Ami whipped it out of the way, eyebrows up. "Remember. I won't actually put you in one unless you tell on me. Now go away so I can finish writing the scene where Mamoru proves he's a switch and goes all-out in henshin topping Kunzite and, I don't know, literally ties him to the wall or something and won't let him bite." 

Rei looked horrified. "Bye," she said and scooped up her latte and powerwalked for the door. 

Ami regarded her computer, and the barista -- an old man, balding, with a kind of square-ish head and square-ish glasses -- came to wipe down the table next to hers. "Don't you think you should leave a little for part two?" he asked, his square-ish moustache riding up above his amused smile. 

She looked up at him, blinking in surprise, then blushed fiercely. "You heard all that?" 

The man shrugged one shoulder. "I know a thing or two about publishing. And movies, I guess. Change the names and maybe tone down the rating a little, and you'd have a great summer flick, kiddo." 

Ami laughed, covering her face in her hands. "No thanks," she mumbled, "I'm just going to post it to tumblr as-is. I'm not even finishing-- I'm not even EDITING this thing. Too many people know about it. I guess I'll leave the notes in because why not." 

"Suit yourself," the man said with a two-shoulder shrug, looking almost like an emoji, and then went to wipe down the milk bar. 

Ami hit 'post', and then closed her computer faster than she'd ever closed it before. 

Rei really better not tell. 

##  **POST END-CREDITS**

### ami's random notes she intends to incorporate someday when rewriting

  1. kei and shingo playing super smash brothers 
  2. bunny and minako sharing headphones in class 
  3. mamoru leaning proprietarily on kei's shoulder in public 
  4. bunny screeching at someone "i hope you step on a lego barefoot!" 
  5. mamoru coming home to kei lovingly putting harsh grades on papers and having to be seduced away from it 
  6. rei showing up at a vampire battle with a flamethrower and then leaving when mina and bunny both proposition her, "NO." 
  7. outtake: tsukino family eating steak for dinner and bunny trying to hide hickeys and minako storming in and yelling about killing mamoru and vampires and kenji flipping out and whipping a stake out of his pocket and ikuko putting her palms on the table and looking disappointed that that's what she's been fondling under the table and shingo _run away doorslam_



### various flashbacks

  * child minako meeting the tsukinos and claiming usagi and nicknaming her bunny, getting immediate babycrush on kei, who is then in like middle school or sth?? 
  * artemis and kei briefly dating due to a mutual love of ancient history and a mutual cope over teenage girls then breaking up as friends (they never actually ended up getting to the 'dating' part, they just finally realized they weren't doing anything but bitching about minako and usagi and comparing ancient prehistory theory notes) 



* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idgaf about 'thats not how human bodies work' theyre vampires i say it's different. :C at least they dont sparkle
> 
> thats all i gotta say rly
> 
> hope you had fun reading! be like irul if you did. :D


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